Volume II : Issue 2

December 9th, 2008 Leave a comment Go to comments

Man Breaks Streak to Mourn Anna Nicole Smith

                Following the news of Anna Nicole Smith’s death, Chris Lamothe has decided that the time has come to end the longest active masturbation streak of 5,110 days.   Chris entered the Guiness Book of World Records back in 2004 when he surpassed his own Uncle Walt’s masturbation streak of 3,998 days; which coincidentally ended following the loss of TV star Nell Carter of “Gimme a Break” fame.

                Chris’s quest started way back in 1993 when he first saw Anna Nicole grace the cover of the National Enquirer.  “I knew back then that this woman possessed all of the attributes that I needed in a woman.    Not only was she rumored to become Bill Clinton’s running mate in the 1996 election, she also had a big set of silicone implants that would provide me with all I need to gratify myself on a daily basis
with the hopes of surpassing Uncle Walt.  Now that she’s gone, I’m afraid that I’m going to have to find myself a new woman to beat off to.

                Friends of Lamothe began to wonder for quite some time about his extended lateness for social events and his inability to answer his telephone during times of need.  “It all makes sense now”, comments Bob Laurent.  “He was too caught up in his masturbation record to show up on time for trivia.  At first I thought he was just being rude and inconsiderate.  Now I know that he’s just a really sick and twisted
pervert that needs to get laid.”

                “I didn’t even know he was even in possession of such a record,” comments Ryan Periou.  “I kinda suspected that maybe he put more effort into handling his cock than he did with handling his friendships, but I was just being facetious.” 

                Now that Chris has decided to end the current active masturbation streak, his record is now in danger of being broken.  As it turns out, the second longest streak (4,064 days) is held by a Lal Manjula of New Delhi, India.   When questioned concerning the possibility of breaking Lamothe’s record, Manjula stated, “This is great dream.  I believe for long time that I take record from citizen of U-S and A.  It is destiny of mine since my birth to make name for myself.  That is why my names means ‘to play with box of jewels’ in my own language.”

                “I just don’t know how I would even be able to continue,” a saddened Lamothe added.  “I felt like I knew Anna on a very personal level.  Even through her bad years when she got fat and outright nasty, I always knew she would be there for me under my mattress.  Now that she’s gone, it’s time to move on and show her the respect that she deserves.    That’s why I’m going to take a week off from whacking off.
You can be certain however that I will start a new streak.”

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