Volume II : Issue 1

December 9th, 2008 Leave a comment Go to comments

Man Bites Quarter In Half, Almost Gets Laid

BATON ROUGE, LA —– Back in 2001, we reported on a story in which Randy Desselle (33) attempted to entice women using sleight of hand in hopes of fulfilling his sexual needs.  You may also recall that despite his efforts, Randy could never quite seal the deal and was forced to learn new tricks if he was ever going to lose his virignity.  This time however, Randy’s trick almost lands him a trip to tuna town.

The trick involves the performer biting a coin in half and then spitting the half back onto the coin thus making it whole again.  Any normal person would think that possessing the ability to bite a coin in half would undeniably lead to a night filled with extreme passion and a swapping of bodily fluids.  We caught up with Desselle in hopes of not only learning how he performs the trick, but also see if we can discover why he feels his trick did not work. 

“I really thought I was going to score once I learned this new trick,” exclaimed a surprised Desselle.  “How many people do you think can actually bite a coin in half and still be able hold a conversation without spitting up a few teeth?  Of course, a magician never reveals his secrets as to how they perform the trick.  Not to mention, I wouldn’t want to get kicked out of the Alliance of Magicians for doing so.”

“Since we made the switch from the local Irish pub to Hooters, I’ve been wondering why Randy keeps trying to perform magic for these women,” reports Bob Laurent (33).  “I figured, a fresh new environment would mean a new beginning for Randy.  I have to admit though, I was really impressed when he bit that coin in half the first 30-40 times.  However, if Randy is really serious about nailing some skank, he should concentrate his efforts on his cooking skills and leave the magic alone.  That guy knows how to cook. I keep telling him he’s going to make a good wife someday.”

Another friend of Desselle going by the name of Chris Lamothe (29) was also available for questioning. “Randy is going to have to learn that the magic is going to cut it when it comes to picking up women,” commented Lamothe. ” I don’t perform any magic and I get Hooter girl phone numbers all the time.”

In reponse to Lamothe’s claims, Desselle responded by saying, “Yeah, he gets phone numbers all the time. If he could land a job, those women would probably start returning his calls.”

We were able to catch up with the unlucky recipient of Desselle’s advances.  A twenty-three year old woman who wished to be referred to a ‘B’ had this to say, “His execution was flawless.” She continues on by saying, ” In fact, I got really moist when he bit that quarter in half.  I never saw anyone bite a quarter in half before.  If it wasn’t for the fact that I have a crush on one of his friends, I would have at least given him a blowjob.” 

Another of Randy’s friends, Ryan Periou (26) had this to say, “I’ll tell you what Randy needs.  He needs some mo-jamming theme music.  He needs something with a beat, something with rhythm.  Something along the lines of, ‘The Final Countdown’.  Nothing says ‘magic’ like a bad song from the 80’s. There’s just something about that song that I strongly feel was made to be played during a magic show.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a toilet to sell. Respek!”

Desselle has decided not to give up and eagerly awaits a new audience at the local Irish pub on March 17th, 2005.  “Ahh yes, the Blarney Blast.  Lots of beer will be flowing, plenty of car bombs will be drank, and with me there to perform magic, I’m sure I’ll be getting laid this time.”

“I’m going to help Randy along this year too,” added Laurent.  I’ve taken the liberty of changing the ringtone on my cellphone to ‘The Final Countdown’ at Ryan’s request.  When I see Randy start to go into his magical windup, I’ll play my ringtone.  I hope Randy brings a condom, because he’s going to need it.”

  1. Ashley
    June 3rd, 2009 at 10:59 | #1

    Yeah, I know the man, and I know that trick. It’s not a new one. Glad to know he’s still using it and hope he scores someday. Good luck losing your virginity, Randy. I’m rooting for you!

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