Volume I : Issue 9

Bar Guests Curious About Man’s Fondness For Primates 

BATON ROUGE, LA —– Things appear to be normal within the confines of a local Irish pub. Bar guests are ordering drinks, servers are serving food, managers are walking around aimlessly looking like they’re being productive, and a bartender casually reminds his bar guests that he likes monkeys.

On the surface, Jeremy Pastorek (20) appears to be normal. He serves his bar guests promptly, flirts with women at the bar, and indulges himself from time to time in a trivia game or two. Problems occur however when he opens his mouth and begins to discuss his overwhelming affection for monkeys.

“What can I say? I like monkeys” comments Pastorek. “I like all kinds of monkeys. I don’t try and limit myself to just the cute little ones with the curly tails either. I like orangutans and gorillas too. I remember going to the zoo and seeing the new baboon exhibit. It was then and there that I decided that my lifelong goal would be that I would one day own a monkey of my own. Why should the zoo get to have all of those monkeys when all I want is one?”

One of Pastorek’s bar guests by the name of Bob Laurent (29) was available for questioning. “I don’t know what to make of it” commented Laurent. “I normally sit at the bar, order a beer, and ask how he’s doing. Before I know it, he’s rambling on and on about how he likes monkeys. I have no idea where this is coming from. I guess I could somehow understand if there were monkeys residing at the bar, but I don’t recall ever seeing a single monkey walk through those doors.”

“You should see my extensive collection of monkey toys and treats that I’ve already purchased for that day when I finally acquire a monkey of my own” added Pastorek. “One would think that obtaining these types of things would normally be hard, but I lucked out and found a web site that I can use to order anything and everything to fulfill my monkey needs. When ever you have time, feel free and check out PrimateStore.com. You’d be surprised by the vast array of items that are among their catalog.”

Another of Pastorek’s bar guest by the name of Marc Bieker (28) renounced his opinion of the whole monkey ordeal by saying, “That Jeremy is a strange one. At first I didn’t think too much of it when he first mentioned it to me. I had to remind him that he’ll have a hard time finding a monkey in Louisiana, since most monkeys are tropical to begin with. He then asked me if I was available to help him pick up a load of monkey food from a monkey food distributor here in town. That’s when I began to wonder about him. I became convinced that the guy is somewhat crazed when he punched me in the genitals upon hearing that I no longer had access to a truck.”

It appears that Pastorek’s bar guests aren’t the only people concerned for his well being. A fellow bartender by the name of Pamela Brooks (20) responded by saying, “I used to think the guy was alright. When I asked him why he kept bringing up monkeys, he attempted to punch me in the nuts. Hello, I don’t have nuts, I’m a woman. Now I just think he’s a freak. I just hope I’m not forced to work with him on the same shift.”

When asked about his future plans concerning his desire for monkeys, Pastorek responded by saying, “I’m going to continue on my quest to obtain a monkey if it kills me. If anyone stands in my way, I will punch them in the genitals. I generally don’t like to go anywhere near male genitalia, but I really like monkeys.”

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