Volume I : Issue 7

Elderly Black Man Claims He Gets Chicks

BATON ROUGE, LA —– Prior to departing for his trip to Alabama, friends of Lester Harvey (41) gathered together for one last night of drinks. The evening took an unprecedented turn when Harvey began making claims that he gets a lot of chicks.

“I get chicks all the time” announced a drunk Harvey. “In fact, I think I’m going to be a bit busy tonight.”

One of Harvey’s friends, Bob Laurent (29), was available for questioning. “He gets chicks?” announced a surprised Laurent. “He’s always saying that he’s with this woman or with that woman, but you know something, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him with a woman.”

Another of Harvey’s friends, a female by the name of Lori Carnaggio (26) commented further by saying, “I think he gets chicks. I mean, he keeps saying he’s  getting them. I just haven’t seen any evidence yet.”

In response to the allegations presented before him, Harvey stated, “Yeah, I get women all the time. In fact, I consider myself an E.O.E, which is an Equal Opportunity Employer. I like them all kinds of ways. I don’t care what color they are or how big their asses are either, I love them all. Very seldom do I find myself sleeping alone at night. Then again, I don’t find myself sleeping all that much either…if you know what I mean.”

When questioned as to why the look of surprise on Laurent’s face when Harvey made these claims, Laurent responded, “You see, it’s like this. He’s always coming into the local Irish pub and sitting with us and everything, which is fine. But he’s always asking me what I’m working on. That happens to be our little code as to which chick I was scoping out at the bar. When I reciprocate the question however, he never seems to be working on anything. How can he never be working on picking up any women at that place? If he’s this big Casanova, he’d be picking up chicks from there all the time. The only thing I ever see him pick up at the bar is his tab after two beers.

When these facts were brought to Harvey’s attention, he responded by saying, “I’m always talking to women at the bar. Just because Bob doesn’t see me picking any up from there, it doesn’t mean that I’m not picking them up from somewhere else. I think he’s jealous. That man needs to get laid or something.”

“I need to get laid?” exclaimed Laurent. “When was the last time that guy got laid? I’m just not convinced that he’s picking up all of these women. My roommate Lori mentioned something about him talking to some chick at some night club, but she didn’t mention anything about him leaving with anyone. Personally, I think the man is gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I’m just becoming more and more convinced. You should listen to his answering machine message, he sounds more gay than Richard Simmons. To make it worse, he keeps making this claim that he wrote one of those Britney Spears songs. I think he’s a cool guy and all, but sometimes I think he’s just full of shit.”

A chuckling Harvey responded by saying, “Gay? I’m not gay. Bob has met my kids before, so he should know that I’m into women. At least I’ve been married before. Bob on the other hand is approaching 30, and I don’t see his skinny white ass getting ready to settle down anytime soon. I’m looking forward to getting back to Baton Rouge and getting this all straightened out with Bob. Maybe I’ll show him my harem of women that I have living in my apartment. And once I’m back in the saddle, I can look Bob right in the eye and tell him, “Oops, I Did It Again.”

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