Volume I : Issue 3

December 9th, 2008 Leave a comment Go to comments

Man’s Attempt At Magic Fails To Get Him Laid

BATON ROUGE, LA —– Distraught by his inability to get a woman in bed, Randy Desselle (29) knew that it was time for a change. Desselle decided that his best chance at scoring was to dazzle the damsels with magic, only to discover that it still doesn’t work.

“I thought I had found the secret to getting women to sleep with me,” comments Desselle. “I figured that if David Copperfield could bag that Claudia Schiffer chick, then I could at least knock boots with some low rate skank. However, I find that no matter what tricks I perform, I can’t even get close enough to them to smell their perfume.”

“I remember seeing him at the local Irish pub,” reports Bob Laurent (29). “Even I was somewhat amazed I  when I first saw him make cigarettes disappear and reappear. I even thought that if I could learn that trick, I would have babes all over me. I could never learn how to do it right, so I decided not to even bother. I think I’ll just stick with Karaoke.”

Desselle decided that magic was the way to go after watching the movie ‘Excalibur’. “I saw Merlin totally get that Uther Pendragon guy laid,” says Desselle, “I thought that if Merlin could do that, then I can almost guarantee me getting into bed with women, or at the very least, get a hand job.”

Lori Carnaggio (26), a recent victim of Desselle’s attempts at magic was available for questioning. “I think his tricks are cute and all, but I don’t see how he’s ever going to get me in bed. Sure, I’ll give him a hug whenever I see him sitting at the bar, but that’s only because he has cigars in his car and there’s nothing I like better than having a big fat one across my lips.”

When further questioned about his tactics, Desselle said, “I break the ice with women by using my trick lighter. Chicks love it! I normally keep it located on top of my cigarettes and when they ask me for a light, I point to my lighter and tell them to help themselves. Little do they know that my lighter gives off an electric shock, but they figure that out real quick. Whoa momma! I love the expression on their faces when they try and use it.”

Some of the women on the other hand are not nearly as amused as Desselle likes to think. Becky Cresap (26) commented by saying, “Damn him and his lighter. I don’t even smoke and he got me with it. What’s the world coming to when people that don’t even smoke become victims of this man’s twisted sense of humor? After something like that, the only way I would sleep with him is if he made the entire state of Wyoming disappear.”

Even though Desselle has managed to flawlessly perform certain magic tricks, the reasoning as to why he’s unable to get laid still remains a mystery. When Desselle was asked for his opinion as to why he thinks tricks don’t work, he said, “You know something? I don’t know. It’s not like I’m sitting in the bar stool with an erection or anything. I just do the trick and then tell them that ‘A man that scratches his ass should not bite his fingernails’. Before I know it, they’re leaving. Maybe I just need to learn some new tricks.”

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